News certain to occur in 2016
Published 11:10 pm Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Other than global warfare, politics, economics and fantasy sports, there really isn’t much news to recap from 2015. So, looking ahead, here’s a handy precap of news certain to occur in 2016.
JAN. 1 — President Obama issues the first ever Virtual New Year’s Forecast (VNYF), which, when viewed through tinted cardboard glasses, appears brighter.
JAN. 12 — Bestselling author Bill O’Reilly reveals two new book projects: “Killing Gophers” (How backyard violence inspired a new generation of gardeners) and “Killing Time” (The painstakingly documented story of how O’Reilly waits for Martin Dugard to finish writing).
FEB. 9 — In Dixville Notch, TV host Steve Harvey announces that the New Hampshire primary winners are Martin O’Malley and Rick Santorum.
FEB. 28 — The Academy Awards telecast features 26 commercials for FanDuel. One ad exclaims, “Feeling left out because you don’t follow sports? Make your Oscar picks, bet as little as a dollar, and you could win $75 million!”
MAR. 24 — Yale University issues new guidelines for coloring Easter eggs.
MAR. 28 — At a Brooklyn news conference, Hillary Clinton announces she will charge the DNC a $200,000 speaking fee each time she is required to debate Bernie Sanders or “the guy from Maryland.”
APR. 11 — Rick Santorum drops out of the presidential race after the Real Clear Politics average shows him with .001% of the GOP vote.
APR. 12 — A headline in Politico asks: “Who Will Pick Up Most of Santorum’s Supporters?”
MAY 17 — Canada’s parliament debates whether to build a wall to stop undocumented Vermonters from bringing maple syrup into the country.
JUNE 6 — On Capitol Hill, 34 members of the GOP caucus begin a hunger strike, vowing not to eat mixed nuts at happy hour until Donald Trump ends his presidential campaign.
JUNE 19 — At the home of Hollywood icon Steven Spielberg, Michelle Obama announces her candidacy for the Senate seat being vacated by Barbara Boxer.
JULY 4 — Starbucks celebrates Independence Day with purple cups. “We created a blend of red, white and blue,” explains a spokeswoman, “which we believe acknowledges the holiday in a pleasingly neutral way.”
JULY 11 — Bowing to pressure from the GOP, @realDonaldTrump tweets his withdrawal from the presidential race: “Could have won easily. Better things to do with my time and money. Just closed huge deal with China for six golf courses. Hasta la vista, losers!”
JULY 25 — Citing a lack of suspense at the Democratic National Convention, three major cable networks scrap live coverage in favor of reruns from the ‘08 convention.
AUG. 9 — The National Security Council releases results of its “Name the Jihadists” contest. First place, “ISIS”; second place, “ISIL”; third place, “Daesh”; fourth place, “The Sith.”
AUG. 15 — A Google self-driving car crashes through a store window in Palo Alto, Calif., after swerving to avoid a low-flying Amazon drone.
SEPT. 6 — Along with Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms. and the neutral honorific Mx., the Associated Press Stylebook adds Mt. (transgendered), Mu. (undocumented), and Mf. (overweight).
SEPT. 28 — Adele announces that her new album, “26,” featuring the hit “Helloooooo Again,” will not be streamed or sold in chain stores. It will be available exclusively at the Quik Stop gas-’n-go in Lincoln, Neb.
OCT. 10 — AMC’s fall schedule includes “Cooking Dead,” a competition among chefs who create meals using only expired canned goods.
OCT. 19 — Variety reports that “26” has sold 8 million copies.
NOV. 8 — Television networks announce that Election Day ‘16 is delayed so more debates can be scheduled.
NOV. 9 — @realDonaldTrump announces he’s entering the 2020 presidential race: “I’ve spoken with some very important people who know about these things. I’ll win easily in ‘20 and we’ll take back our country from the immigrants, the gays, the media and all the other losers!”
NOV. 25 — Following a dismal Black Friday, pickpockets in New York file a class action suit against Visa, claiming that Chip Cards cause unreasonable delays in completing illegal transactions.
DEC. 12 — Mark Zuckerberg makes a holiday appeal: “If everyone who uses Facebook gives just $1 billion to charity, we’ll have enough to solve virtually all the world’s problems.”
DEC. 31 — In a New Year’s Eve message on HipChat, President Obama says he looks forward to creating the Obama Global Foundation, and to making preparations for Michelle’s 2024 presidential campaign.
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker.