Bring back the old time politics

Published 10:10 am Thursday, September 11, 2008

Poor ol’ John McCain.

He’s got one foot in the grave and the other on a slippery banana peel.

Why, he’s so old that if he’s elected president of the United States, he won’t even live long enough to sleep in the bed that George Washington slept in.

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That’s the consensus of the Democrats and the news media led by political pundits like Larry King who fathered children at the age of Abraham.

That’s cause to wonder whether, in all his folly, King didn’t consider that he might not be around to register his children for kindergarten. After all, he’s so old that CNN has to tack “Live” onto his television program so folks will know that he still is.

With the conventions over and done, rather overdone, American voters now must decide who they want to lead the country for the next four years — Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin.

Obama is thought to be from the lineage of Osama bin Laden and said to keep in close contact with him through emails to his cave in Afghanistan. And, if the old adage is true and birds of a feather do flock together then, at best, Obama is a racist and, at worst, a terrorist.

Joe Biden is the personification of a Jack in the Box. Every now and then, he pops up, bouncing and bobbing and grinning like a “chessie” cat. That’s his contribution to the campaign.

So, that’s the Democratic offering. A suspected Muslim and a Jack in the Box.

On the Republican side, there’s McCain who’s too old to cut the mustard anymore. And, too, what does he mean trying to use his pain and suffering as a POW as part of his campaign rhetoric. That’s just downright underhanded.

And then there’s Sarah Palin. She’s from Alaska! That would be the same thing as having a vice president from Mexico or Iceland or somewhere. And, too, her unwed daughter is having a baby by a boy who chews gum in public. Can’t have such as that around the White House.

That’s the Republican offering — and old codger on his last limb and a “foreigner.”

Speaking of the White House brings Bill Clinton to mind. He sat around there smoking cigars and hanky-pankying with an intern. But, since he didn’t know the definition of “sexual relations” his slate was wiped clean and he’ll be on the campaign trail.

So will Hillary. The Democratic Party has unleashed her and she’ll rip and snort all over this country. She’s bound to be really ticked off about that “hot chic from the cool state” who is stealing her thunder. Could be a catfight brewing.

The Clintons are like a bad case of the shingles. They just keep coming back.

But anyway, the dye has been cast and, for the next 60 days or so, we’ve got to listen to the fearsome foursome fight it out and it is a fearsome bunch. Luckily, each night, we can turn on the television and be enlightened about their shenanigans by a bunch of analysts with glow-in-the-dark teeth. They’ll snip and snap, interrupt and contradict and irritate and agitate. Everybody’s wrong and nobody’s right.

All of that’s enough to make you want to take two aspirins and go to bed.

How I long for the days of old politics. For singing governors like Jimmie Davis of Louisiana and barefooted governors like our “Big Jim” Folsom. They made politics interesting .

Once “Big Jim” got on television and forgot his children’s names. But he pulled the wool right over Alabama’s eyes by saying that somebody had put a “mickey” in his chicken noodle soup.

And there were politicians like the Little Fightin’ Judge who campaigned on the back of a flatbed truck. Little boys strapped sandwich boards on their shoulders and made hats out of bumper stickers.

They paraded around town as the little judged stirred up the crowd, that Minnie Pearl had already revved into high gear.

For flavor, there were the also-rans like Shorty Price who didn’t have “snowball’s chance …” of winning but spiced up the race.

Those were the good ol’ days of politics, gone but not forgotten by those of us who experienced them.

The 2008 presidential campaign is heating up and, if I can find bin Laden’s cave, I’m going to crawl in there with him until it’s over.

But before I go, I’d like to suggest a theme song for the 2008 Presidential Campaign. “On Top of Old Smoky.” There’s a line that’s tailor-made for both the (D)s and the (R)s. “They’ll hug you and kiss you and tell you more lies than crossties on a railroad or stars in the sky.”

Believe it.