Featured Columnist

Jan. 4, 2000 10 PM

Never, have I liked okra. Green is not my color and crude is not my thing. And I always thought Collards have nothing to say. Or so I thought until I saw this Southerners Horoscope on the Internet. I wish the author had given his name, I would love to give him credit. But see what you think.

"It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs haven’t served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I’m out driving around I’ll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I’ll even see a ram. Up the street from me, there’s some twins, but I don’t see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. The New Signs are:

"Chitlin Jan. 21-Feb. 19: Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

"Boll Weevil Feb. 20-Mar. 20: You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

"Moon Pie Mar. 21-Apr. 20: You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum Apr. 21-May 21: When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don’t bother me about it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

"Crawfish May 22-June21: Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. Crawfish want to be more physically attractive than they are.

"Collards June 22-July 23: Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with that of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

"Catfish July 24-Aug. 23: Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

"Grits Aug. 24-Sep. 23: Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

"Boiled Peanuts Sep.24-Oct. 23: You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

"Butter Bean Oct. 24-Nov. 22: Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. As a Butter Bean, you should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

"Armadillo Nov. 23-Dec. 21: You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility."

"Okra Dec. 22-Jan. 20: Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

So there you are and now are you convinced your mother lied about your birthdate? Wanna trade horoscopes with me?

Fran Sharp is a freelance writer in Alabaster, Alabama and an Okra, whether she likes it or not. E-mail her at fsharp1229@aol.com.  

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