To be hip in today’s world, it seems the going thing is to be offended.

So, I’ve been thinking, if I’m going to be a part of this world, I need to find something that offends me.

But the things that come to mind are things that irritate me, not offend me.

Like when I’m near the front of the checkout line and have been waiting since Noah built the ark. Then, they open another register, and the clerk says, “I’ll take someone over here” and those who just tagged on the end of the line rush over and leave me standing there  … still waiting.

Or when the person ahead of me in line waits until the clerk announces the charges for the purchase before they open their pocket book and start roaching around for their money. They act as if having to pay for that buggy load of items was a complete surprise.

Then, there are drivers who pull their automobiles right out in front of me and then turn back off on a dime. And, those who blow their horns when I’m stuck at the drive-thru like there’s somewhere for me to go.

And, the people at the buffet line who rake and scrape every last morsel of food out the pan and hand me the spoon.

A big irritation is people who use their football “Touchdown!” and cheerleader voices in a restaurant. And, along those same lines, people that talk loud enough for St. Peter to hear them on their cell phones. Hee-Hawers need to be asked to leave, and nobody cares what anybody else has to say. Have you noticed that most folks, and this is important, most folks LISTEN to TALK. When someone else is talking most folks are not listening. They are thinking what they are going to say. Watch what I say.

I could list a lot more things that irritate me but I was trying to find things that offend me so I could be hip.

I thought of a few.

I’m a bit offended by the “lyrics” coming from the boom boxes on the roadway. I’m somewhat offended by couples that hug and kiss in public and young men whose underwear I don’t care to see and young girls whose “everything and all” I can’t bare to see.

I would be offended when the cashier at the restaurant gives me the senior discount without asking but as long as I get the senior drink.

Sometimes I’m kind of offended when people ask when I’m going to retire, or when I’m going to get a new car or dye my hair. And, it’s offending a little when I get calls about pre-need plans, reverse mortgages –whatever that is — rebates on walk-in bathtubs and supplies in brown paper packages delivered right to the door.

All that could qualify for as offenders but none of it really bothers me a whole lot. I don’t lose sleep over it or dwell on it. Actually, I had to give a lot of thought to coming up with things that offend me.

Then, right out of the blue, there surfaced this one thing that really offends me.

When you get to be “our age” others younger by a flip of the calendar become placatory, especially waitresses.

They call you names like Honey, Baby, Sugar, Doll, Darlin’, Sweet Baby, Doll Baby, Pumpkin’ Pie and Rosie Cheeks….and Sweetie

Now that offends me. I’d rather the waitress would say, “Where ya wanna sit, Aunt Bea?”

Then, I wouldn’t be offended cause I’d be obliged to say, “Just anywhere you wanna put me, Sweetie.”